The Day Konoha Turned Gay
by ms. phishy
Summary: A crash thunder, a flash of lighting, and every guy in Konoha is suddenly gay. Will the kunoichi manage to, ahem, reverse this process... or will they lose their guys forever to homosexuality? Crackfic! Some Oocness.


The Day Konoha Turned Gay

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Disclaimer: Sigh... I own neither Naruto nor _Playgirl_--just a few perverted muses and WAY too many plot bunnies...

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A/N: First off, this is complete crack--not meant to be taken seriously or evaluated for any deeper meaning. Yeah, you won't find any here... This is a yaoi _parody_, but it's all in good fun. I actually like yaoi, though I haven't managed to finish a piece without suffering _severe_ nosebleeds. XDDD Rated for mature themes, vulgar humor, blah, blah, blah... So yeah, if you're still here, then read on and enjoy!

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The Weapons Mistress of Konoha tossed and turned as she tried, without avail, to fall asleep. The night was long, and she was often kept awake by strange and fitful urges.

Her parents, unfortunately, had taken off before their inquisitive daughter was at the appropriate age for "The Talk." But, like any resourceful nin, Tenten more or less figured things out on her own. And not having parents had its perks; she never had to worry about her porn collection being discovered.

Yes, Tenten had a porn collection.

It couldn't rival, say, Kakashi's, but it was impressive nonetheless.

Like many Konohans, she'd started out with the Icha Icha books, but now she was _Playgirl_ all the way. Tenten was more into pictures anyway. Grinning, she pulled out the latest issue: Kakashi Unmasked!! Our Favorite Copy-Nin In ALL His Manly Glory!

"Nothing like a little bedtime reading," she remarked, turning straight to the two-page spread of the, um, _unmasked_ copy-nin.

In the midst of her giggling and nosebleeding, however, there came a flash of lightning. It might have gone unnoticed, were it not for the thunder. Like a fucking eighteen-wheeler plowing into a brick wall at ninety miles an hour.

Tenten screamed and actually fell out of bed, tearing poor Kakashi right down the front.

"Awww..." she whined, gazing despondently at her ruined magazine. "My copy-nin..."

She tried taping him back together, but it was no good. Alas!

And as for that weird thunder (she was sure it was thunder), that had cleared up by the time she reached the window.

"Crazy shit..." she muttered, trudging back to bed.

Tenten might have been shaken up, but she wasn't one to speculate on natural (or unnatural) phenomena. She was actually more upset with the "loss" of Kakashi than anything else.

Little did she realize that, in less than eight hours, _every_ hentai fantasy she'd ever possessed would materialize before her very eyes...

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_Five hours later..._

In the middle of a rather deserted part of the village, Hatake Kakashi took a deep breath and sneezed. Funny... since he'd agreed to pose for _Playgirl_ not too long ago, the copy-nin found that he was quite prone to sporadic sneezing fits.

And random maulings from crazed fangirls.

Ah, it's not easy being a sex machine...

His new status was, unfortunately, something of a double-edged sword. Kakashi found that he had to be _more_ clandestine than usual when it came to getting his porn fix. Whenever he walked into his favorite porn shop, girls would see him (and his _Playgirl_ cover) and all hell would break loose.

This was what Kakashi was doing outside the shop now--at 4:30 in the morning. But, he wasn't alone. Another patron apparently had the same idea in mind--and was quite captivated by one magazine in particular.

Kakashi's first instinct was to bolt. Not that he was afraid or anything. Hell no! He just wasn't too eager to get maimed, assaulted, and/or raped.

But, almost immediately, he recognized, not the curvy form of a woman, but the angular physique of a man--and, judging by the hairstyle, one Umino Iruka (aka Ir-UKE-a!).

Kakashi smirked beneath his mask.

'So, the upstanding school teacher is a closest pervert, huh? Ah, blackmail. The possibilities are endless!'

Before he could torment Iruka with that knowledge, however, Kakashi became aware of two things simultaneously. One, that Dolphin Boy was actually a nice piece of ass. And two... the magazine that he'd been engrossed in was... Kakashi's _Playgirl_ cover!

"Holy hell," the Scarecrow muttered, stunned. "Dolphin Boy's got the hots for ME? That's random." he paused for a moment and thought that over. "But, it actually explains a lot."

Kakashi didn't mind this second realization, though--because he suddenly found himself looking at the academy teacher in a way he never had (say, two hours ago). He grinned wickedly beneath mask. Maybe today wouldn't be such a crapshoot after all.

"Oi, School Teacher!" he called.

Iruka let out a sort of startled squeak and dropped his magazine. And because, of course, the world is out to get Iruka, the magazine just so _happened_ to flop open on the two-page centerfold... of Kakashi... wearing his forehead protector... and _nothing_ else...

"Oh, fuck," Iruka muttered, turning redder than red.

Kakashi's grin deepened. "Now, Iruka-_sensei_, you, as the role model of our would-be nin, should _not_ be reading porn... It's most unfitting."

Iruka had nothing to say to this; he looked rather like a mouse, corned by a hungry tomcat. And, did Kakashi just _lick_ his lips beneath that mask? Oh, something was _definitely_ wrong here...

"So, tell me," Kakashi continued, clearly enjoying Iruka's discomfort. "Does that get you all hot and bothered?"

The academy-nin didn't even _need_ to answer that--his _entire_ body had turned the deepest shade of crimson that Kakashi had ever seen.

"K-Kakashi..." Iruka stammered, having found his voice at last. "Th-this... isn't what it... l-looks like!"

"Oh?" said the scarecrow pleasantly. "Because I was just wondering... if you were, you know, up for the _real_ thing..."

"W-what?!"

"But, if you don't swing that way..." and he started walking away.

"...Wait!" Iruka called.

Kakashi grinned, but didn't turn around. It was so much fun, just screwing with Iruka's head (and possibly _other_ things).

"Oh, yes?" he asked innocently.

"Kakashi, I... I... um..."

"What, Iruka?"

"I... I... um... I--"

"Why, I feel the same way!" Kakashi cut in, knowing well that Iruka probably wouldn't finish that sentence. "And, I don't know about you, but I can't wait another minute."

And Kakashi turned around, slowly, to reveal a maskless face--and a devilish smirk. This, of course, rendered the babbling dolphin speechless once more.

The Scarecrow of Konoha had the sort of face that even the finest sculptors of the Renaissance wouldn't be able to duplicate. Chiseled features; high cheekbones; a thin, tapering nose; and lips that seemed to pout, just a little bit. But, there was nothing about Kakashi that suggested even a hint of femininity. He was beautiful, yet undeniably masculine.

Iruka started to drool.

"So, wanna screw?" said Kakashi genially, throwing his vest aside.

The chuunin fell over. "What? Here? Now?!"

Kakashi shrugged. "Why not."

"... Well... okay!"

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Having slept through her alarm clock, Tenten raced through the busy streets of Konoha a full fifteen minutes late. Which was bad--no, _very_ bad.

It was no secret that Gai was the least sane of the jounin senseis, and tardiness was something he was _especially_ strict about. Tenten was definitely NOT looking forward to five-hundred punitive laps around the village.

As she approached the training field, however, she noticed something strange. Or perhaps it was what she _didn't_ notice that was strange. There was no one was in the sparring area, no one was in a target range, and no one was running around the track.

Brow furrowed, Tenten moved a little closer.

Something nearby sort of rustled and... did that _bush_ just _moan_?

As Tenten moved even closer to investigate, the noise grew louder.

"No way," she muttered to herself. "No fucking way. That can't be what it--?? OH. MY. GOD..."

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A/N: Yeah, I know there's a lot of stuff I'm _supposed_ to be working on, but this idea's been bugging me for weeks. It demanded to be written! Anyways, hope you enjoyed so far. Plenty more "close encounters" on the way! XD Comments are appreciated; reviews are love.

-Andrea


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